You are here


We don’t have a proper relationship. We are like brother and sister, or two friends who live together. We don’t fight but we don’t make love either.”

Yes, they needed to work on their communication, on spending time together. Yes, they needed to stop letting the world get their best time and energy. Yes, they needed to relearn to play as individuals and then as a couple.

But one of their greatest obstacles to achieving these goals was their belief that the solution lay outside of themselves. They were looking for a quick fix to their lacklustre, passionless relationship, and they chose me! That belief netted them the following response:

It’s not enough to live together, plan fun activities together, and have a joint bank account. You have to genuinely work at a relationship. Remember when you could hardly wait to see your partner and couldn’t keep your hands off each other? Well, that’s spark.

Spark is the feeling that exists between two people that makes their relationship so special . It’s more than a sexual feeling; it’s based on respect, trust and mutual caring.

I once believed that spark was either there or it wasn’t. That it just happened, and once it was gone, there wasn’t much you could do about 11 it. I saw people who wanted their partner to be responsible for their spark. I believed that if two people treated each other a certain way, or if they stopped doing things that the other person didn’t like, then they would feel that spark again for each other. In other words, I believed that one person’s ability to feel that spark for their significant other was based on their significant other ’s behaviour toward them. It is a factor!

However, having observed a multitude of relationships over the years, I now see this very differently! The spark in a relationship can indeed be rekindled, but not from what you do or don’t do for me, rather from what I do for you. Yes, my feelings for you will change more rapidly and have a more significant impact when I do the majority of the work.

If I am the person who feels the least amount of spark—who most wants “out ” of the relationship—and I choose to work hard at our relationship and do those things that would tell you I care about you, then it is me who will benefit the most and who will feel the most change in relation to the spark between us.

Couples often want a quick fix when they feel that they have lost their “spark” for one another. And when this quick fix solution is not forthcoming the way they thought that it would be, then they often have a tendency to adopt a “forget it” attitude. For someone who doesn’t have much “caring” left in them and 12 where the spark has seemingly been snuffed out, it is easier to understand the notion that the “fix” or the “solution” lies within their partner than it is to get motivated to actually do something about it themselves.

I wanted this couple to understand that with focused caring and hard work they could rekindle the spark in their relationship. However they needed reminding that:

The amount of spark in a relationship is directly proportionate to the amount of work done on behalf of the relationship by both participants. However, whoever has the least amount of feeling—spark—needs to work the hardest!