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Newsletter Vol. #67 Thats how I see it!

I seemed to have lit a candle under some people with the article, "LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT" in last weeks newsletter (#66). It seems that opinions run either hot or cold on this phenomenon of crossing our borders illegally (See Readers Response). What is your stance on this issue of illegal border crossings into Canada?

The number of  "Anger Management" clients I have is significant, so for this one (#67) and a few future newsletters, I will be highlighting the topic of Anger.
Here is an excerpt from my book, Finding Balance, --Anger Begets Anger

       One does not learn to control one's anger unless motivated to do so!

I do not yell at my wife or children because I want them to respect me and to feel safe. Unfortunately, many people in our society today do not support the value of talking instead of getting angry. Aware of the violence in the world today, for example 'road rage', I don't make the mistake of yelling and making gestures at a person cutting in and out of traffic because he may be unstable and harm me. I don't get angry with my boss - at least to his face - because he may fire me.
Controlling anger is often about discipline, about knowing what is appropriate and then doing it. Dumping my anger on others may temporarily get what I want, but am I willing to pay the price of loss of respect, love and security from those I yell at?
Anger needs to be 'worked out' with people rather than 'dumped on'
them. By 'working out', I mean talking about your anger instead of physically being angry. Use 'I' language and keep interactions short. Talk about and talk out your anger. Don't just let it 'all hang out' because you feel justifiably upset.

Being angry only promotes more anger!

Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, in the right way - that is not easy.

Here is what Carol Travis states in her book, Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion:

Men feel angry; women depressed. Men express anger openly; women sneak around and shoot sarcastic verbal bullets. Men are allowed, even encouraged, to feel angry, because it is part of the masculine role; women are not supposed to express their anger because it is unladylike to display temper.

"Women have special difficulty expressing their anger effectively and directly," writes clinical psychologist Harriet Lerner:

Expressions of anger are not only encouraged in boys and men, but may be glorified to pathological extremes.... In contrast, women have  been denied the forthright expression of even healthy and realistic anger.... To express anger- especially if one does so openly, directly, or loudly- makes a woman unladylike, unfeminine, and sexually unattractive.
" Males learn very early in life and psychologically they will lose any confrontation with a female, because win or lose they will be labelled 'bullies,' "states Herb Goldberg in his book The Hazards Of Being Male. "Finally, the aggression and anger toward her that he has denied and defended himself against will emerge in countless indirect and hidden ways the form of detachment and withdrawal, psychosomatic complaints, and sundry other passive forms of aggression."

Jeffrey Goldstein, a psychologist at Temple University, has been studying the effects of anger and violence in sports for many years. The prevailing view of athletics is that they are a constructive and healthy expression of energy, including aggressive energy, and he says, " They are said to build character, respect for authority, discipline, and perseverance. This is a view fostered by coaches, the sponsors of professional and amateur teams, and athletes themselves. It is, in all these instances, self-serving. And, for the most part, untrue."

There are four ways of handling anger- suppress it, talk about it, shout and yell, become physically violent.

What is it that gets in your way so that you don't reach your full potential, and therefore prevents you from enjoying your life to the fullest?

1.) Old ties, ineffective parenting, premature decisions, "I'm not OK"
2.) Repetitiveness of my negative language," I can't..., I'm not ..., see I told you I couldn't."
3.) Chemical imbalance/mood swings

When Breath Becomes Air
I want to thank Ed L. for recommending the book, When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi
I can't remember a book that struck me as profoundly as this book did. Perhaps, it was his young age. Paul Kalanithi was only 36 when he died. Perhaps it was his brilliance as a graduate of Stanford University, a graduate of Cambridge University, a graduate of Yale school of medicine (neurosurgeon), a recipient of the American Academy of Neurological Surgery's highest award for research. Perhaps it was because I was reading words from the journey of a real person who had struggled and risen to the top of his profession. Paul Kalanithi was, and is, a gifted writer. The book is about his journey on the way up (degrees, medicine), and on the way out (the story of his dying).
The last paragraph in Paul's book was written to his baby daughter and reads:
 When you come to one of the many moments in life where you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, and done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man's days with a sated joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years, a joy that does not hunger for more and more but rests, satisfied. In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing.
I am brought to tears every time I turn from this last page to the epilogue and read:
Paul died on Monday, March 9, 2015, surrounded by his family, in a hospital bed roughly 200 yards from the labour and delivery ward where our daughter, Cady, had entered the world eight months before.           
I really do recommend this book! It made me think deeply about how fragile we really are and how we all have a finite shelf life. It encouraged me have to deal with what I need to do with the time I have left.
Remember the Contract: we are born, we live (let's make it long and fulfilling), and we die (let's have as few regrets as is humanly possible)!

So You Would Like To Live In The Cayman Islands?

Becoming a permanent resident on the Cayman Island has always been a contentious issue! It was over 14 years before our son finally gained permanent status and that took a lot of effort, finances (lawyers), and dogged persistence.

I read in the local paper the "Cayman Compass", in an editorial that stated, there were more than 800 persons whose applications had been sitting on somebody's desk for more than a year with no response from that government office. What that means is there are 800 persons who are not in control of their lives, in that they could be asked to leave the island at any time with no recourse. A simple thing like a job promotion is put on hold because what employer wants to promote someone and then have that person be forced to leave.
The government's procrastination on this issue has forced many of the 800 persons to go the legal route. They are suing the government for monetary damages suffered by having to wait. The editorials point was: why not, using the immigration laws in existence, decide on these applications in a more timely fashion. Tell people they can stay, or tell them to go. The government's procrastination may cost the public treasury a lot of money in lawsuits.

Therapy is not always about changing oneself. Sometimes it's about giving self permission to live life more fully.

Top Ten Reasons for Not Exercising

10. I don't have time; I have a lot of doctor visits.

9. The weather doesn't suit me.

8. If I were fit and trim I might have even more lonely widows chasing after me.

7. I've heard exercise can affect your sex drive.

6. Grandmothers bake cookies, they don't run marathons.

5. Spandex doesn't do anything for wrinkles.

4. Exercise might improve my health and longevity. I've already outlived everyone I know.

3. I could hurt myself.

2. If I were healthy I would have no excuse to go see my Doctor who looks like Robert Redford/Christy Brinkley.

1.I don't know how to get started!!!

Now give me 20 reasons for exercising!

Rescuers (R) take responsibility for solving other people's problems.
Active Listeners/Helpers (H) listen to and assist the person with his or her own issues. When you (R), you don't listen. When you stop (R) you have the opportunity to really hear what is being said and therefore you are (H).

Reader Response

Crossing borders into Canada and getting all those goodies is like Trump writing it. Not everyone is showered with these gifts especially Canadians and those who sneak into our country. Lets keep our stories straight so those reading do not get USA style political bull on our table. It is a subject that is turning people's ideas inside out and not right, lets keep facts right. And that's how I see it                Ray   


Dan I enjoy reading your newsletter always informative. Must take exception to the "Let me see if I got this Right" this time though. My simple response, and I will emphasize simple is "What is the  alternative?" What is the alternative for that individual if they stay in the other country or they come to Canada and we give them nothing? Turn to crime here? More homeless people, food banks? Etc. etc. I know some people will respond by saying we should do more for our own people, take care of ours first. Ah! But you see that is a totally separate, different question, isn't it? Equally important and valid, but that concern should not take away from the other. Anyway as you say that's how I see it.             Scott

You can't live your life trying not to make a mistake. Your mind and muscle memory are not able to focus on the "not" part of that directive. "Do not spill your milk" will inevitably end up with milk being spilled! A directive should always be what you do want, not what you don't want.

Close your eyes and think, "The dog is Not chasing the cat". What do you see? (Courtesy of Jack Canfield)

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