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Dr. Dan's "That's How I See It!" newsletter Vol. #110


 When your work speaks for itself,

don’t interrupt!    Henry Kaiser

 What’s on Tap: Special Talents; Both Books--Same Style; Underachieving Men; Objection; Snoring Research; Buying a car—10 useful questions.   

 If you have any special talents or connections you’d like to lend towards my book Launch (February 27, 2019), please let me know. (  I am looking for ways to help spread my book’s message to a wider audience than I alone can reach. I especially need help with Social Media--Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter. Can you get me started?

 Both my books, “Communication & Relationships" and “Finding Balance” are written in the same style – a different way of seeing things, a new perspective on old problems. These insights occurred to me while in therapy with my clients, and seemed to work, to make sense and to further the ability of the client to see his/her problem in a new light.

The concepts from both books are not centred on my clients per se, but rather on what they learned so as to better understand their problems and to help them make the changes that would lead to better outcomes in their lives.

 In a practical sense, as I realized this new bit of learning, I jotted the idea/concept down on a piece of paper and saved it in a folder in my briefcase. When the folder got too thick for carrying around any longer, I started writing and compiling the outlines of these concepts. The collection of these concepts took years. The actual writing, editing, cover design, and marketing— probably another two to three years. These books have been in my life for the last 15 years and the journey is not over yet!

Don’t go for looks; they can deceive

Don’t go for a wealth; even that fades away

Go for someone who makes you smile,

Because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

Find the one that makes your heart smile!

 Underachieving Men

 I am aware that couples are getting older (30+) before they are committing to permanent relationships, kids, and the house in the burbs. I wasn't sure why this was, or if I really cared. So I was only mildly intrigued by the article in McLean's, titled, "Are We Raising Our Boys to Be Underachieving Men?" It appears that girls are more suited for the school milieu than boys and it is showing up in the changing male/female ratio of those that are attending university.

It is well known that girls mature physically and emotionally faster than boys and are able to focus better on assigned tasks earlier than boys. "The brain of a 5-year old boy is roughly equivalent to a 3.5-year-old girl." This means that girls have a great advantage over their male classmates in that they are better suited to sitting in their seats longer, they focus better on learning tasks, are more self-disciplined, and try harder to please their teachers.

It is at the elementary school age that the love of learning burns bright or peters out. If a boy’s first impression of school is that it is restricting or that "It is Stupid", or worse yet, "He is stupid", he may be lost to learning for a long time. This early negative learning experience may set the tone for all that is to come, or not come - no post-secondary education.

In 2010, "more Canadian boys (10.3 percent) dropped out of high school than girls (6.6 percent)." I don't have dropout statistics for 1960, when I was leaving high school, but it seems to me that a great many more students dropped out of grade 10 and 11 than today - mostly male as I recall. I believe schools have really tried to match programs with student needs. I also believe that many individual teachers are making a huge difference in identifying and then referring or designing programs to meet the needs of individual students.

I don't believe parents are better or worse, or care more today than 50 years ago – just different times. They all love their kids and want the best for them. The parents of today may both be working and don't have much time or just don't know how to be helpful to their kids when it comes to school subjects or computers - the new Learning Revolution. My parents may have had more time, but they left the teaching and learning to the experts - teachers. My dad may have been home at 5 and mothers didn't work outside the home, but they still didn't have a clue what Trigonometry was (come to think of it, neither did I), or even what grade I was in (father).

So, in my opinion, in response to the question "Are we raising underachieving men?", my response is a definite - maybe! There certainly are ways for the education system to be more helpful to the different ways people, including boys, learn. The pendulum (number of professional woman/men, per cent woman/men attending university) has swung in favour of women (Woman's Movement) and it needed to. But it will swing back, or best case - even out. Maybe the system isn't really broken and doesn't need to be replaced or completely overhauled; maybe just a firm tweak and the understanding (which leads to appropriate programs) that boys need early success and encouragement from a system not quite suited, at the moment, to their learning style.

 What do you think?

That's how I see it!   Dan

 When you were born, you were crying

And everyone around you was smiling.

Live your life so that when you die,

You’re the one who is smiling

And everyone around you is crying.


In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a

youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

 He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.

 Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.

 One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney slumped in his chair.

 The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and whispered:

‘"If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to prison.”



 Children have a difficult time becoming responsible, resourceful, and resilient if they are controlled, manipulated, and made to mind, robbed of their autonomy and denied opportunities to make choices and mistakes. We cannot develop a sense of inner discipline if all of the control comes from the outside.                   Barbara Coloroso

 New Snoring Research - Women lose 11 and a Half Times as Much Sleep as Men

Amazingly we found that women lose around 11 and a half times more sleep from snoring than men.  So why are men so much more likely to snore than women?  Here are a few reasons.

  • Men have a larger throat space. The male pharynx is larger than in women.  This makes it more likely for the soft tissues to vibrate and cause the familiar sound.
  • Men drink and smoke more than women. They are statistically more likely to smoke and binge drink than women. Alcohol leads to increased snoring. This is due to sedation causing relaxation of the upper airways and preventing people from waking up and moving to a position in which they don't snore. Smoking causes inflammation of the upper airways.  This makes snoring more likely.
  • Reduced muscle tone. As people get older their muscle tone decreases resulting in floppiness of the throat whilst sleeping. Men are affected more than women.

We discovered that more than a third of women found that snoring was worse after drinking alcohol. A third also found that lying on the back made the problem worse.  This is because gravity pulls the soft palate at the back of the tongue into the throat space (pharynx).

A whopping 69% of women dealt with snoring by poking, kicking, or waking the snorer and the average amount of time they were awake for was 40 minutes. The numbers give a total of a massive 898,443 years of sleep lost every year by women in the UK. This compares with just 78,078 years for men.       

Dr. Toby Bateson

 Buying a new or used car soon? I just went through the process with my sister-in-law and survived. 

Here-are 10 questions you should probably ask your dealer.

  1- Do you have a car that meets my needs?

This is a broad question but a good place to start because it means you have to define your own requirements. Do you need big towing capacity or space for a large family? Can a child seat be comfortably installed in the car you're considering? These questions may not be top-of-mind right now, but remember you'll have your vehicle for many years.

2- Is the vehicle rear-wheel or all-wheel drive?

The type of transmission may not seem important at first. But when you're driving in winter, you may want the traction offered by all-wheel drive. You may find that rear- wheel drive (where power is shifted to the back wheels), usually a feature of sports cars, doesn't suit your driving style.

3- What is the car's fuel consumption?

At a time when gas prices go up and down, but mostly up, the gas mileage is an important piece of information. It could influence your decision because if it's too high, you'll spend a lot on gas and blow your budget. The rating also lets you judge the impact of your car on the environment.

4- How long is the car under warranty?

Each manufacturer offers a basic warranty whose length varies in terms of time or distance. In some cases, the time period is shorter while the mileage is unlimited. But most of the time there are limits on both. It's important to know the details to avoid unpleasant surprises.

5- What exactly is covered by the warranty?

We know how long it is, but we still need to know what will be repaired under warranty if there's breakdown. Ask questions. Warranties include items ranging from the power train to corrosion.

6- What is the maintenance program?

It's a simple question that will help you calculate your budget. Whether oil changes are required every 5,000 km or every 15,000 km will significantly affect costs.

7- Are there fees beyond the sticker price?

Some provinces require dealers to include freight and preparation costs in the advertised price- others don't. Some dealers pass an air conditioner tax along to consumers but not all. So make sure you have a figure in writing that shows the total price of the vehicle before signing the deal. It will be easier to navigate your way through the process.

8- Are there any discounts other than those listed?

Loyalty or graduate discounts are often available but not well publicized. Ask the question, and you may save a few hundred dollars.

9- What are the standard and optional safety technologies?

Safety technology is becoming a bigger feature of new vehicles. Many electronic or physical systems, backup cameras and air bags, for example, have become mandatory or standard accessories, while others are optional or even unavailable. Ask for them- your family will be safer.

10- Does the car already have some kilometres on the odometer?

Stupid question? Not really. Some cars are used for demonstration purposes and have a few hundred kilometres on the odometer at the time of purchase. Ask your dealer if they have such vehicles. Sometimes they're offered at a substantial discount

 Now would be a good time to do your Christmas shopping done before the hoards hit the malls. Yeh, it's not going to happen with me either!

Take care.