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Christmas "Notes" #35

I have shared this article before but it bears repeating-I believe it will make you laugh hysterically or at least crack a smile.


This is an article submitted to the Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.  

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. 

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination. 

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.  

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked. 

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure to remember.  Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. 

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health..

I can't wait until next Christmas. 

If you have any stories like this, please share them with me/us  danrosin@drcounselling.com

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Something much more serious.

As I said last week in "Notes" #34 in the article on COVID-19, I have never had to carry a gun for my country, never had to defend this great nation personally, but others certainly have. I am truly thankful to all those courageous young men and women who make up the Canadian Forces and
who protect and help in ways we are not even aware of. Where ever you are this Christmas, whether it be in a foreign country or somewhere in Northern Canada helping our indigenous citizens get through the pandemic, I want to thank you for doing what you do!

Here is a different Christmas poem for those who "stand on guard for us."


   A DIFFERENT CHRISTMAS POEM

 The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
 I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
 My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
 My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
 My son slumbered softly, safe in my arms,
 I was happy to be blessed with all of their charms,
 Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
 Transforming the yard to a winter delight.
 The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
 Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
 My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
 Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
 In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
 So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.
 The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
 But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
 Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
 Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
 My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
 And I crept to the door just to see who was near.
 Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
 A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
 A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
 Perhaps Canadian, huddled here in the cold.
 Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
 Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.
 "What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
 "Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
 Put down your pack; brush the snow from your sleeve,
 You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
 For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
 Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.
 To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
 Then he sighed and he said "It's really all right,
 I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
 "It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
 That separates you from the darkest of times.
 No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
 I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
 My Gramps died at ' Dieppe on a day in December,"
 Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
 My dad stood his watch in that Korean Land ',
 And now it is my turn and so, here I am.
 I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
 But my wife sends me pictures; he's sure got her smile.
 Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
 Something red and, white, ... a Canadian flag.
 I can live through the cold and the being alone,
 Away from my family, my house and my home.
 I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
 I can sleep in a trench with little to eat.
 I can carry the weight of killing another,
 Or lay down my life with my sister and brother.
 Who stand at the front against any and all,
 To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."
 "So go back inside," he said, "harbour no fright,
 Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
 "But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
 "Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
 It seems all too little for all that you've done,
 For being away from your wife and your son."
 Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
 "Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
 To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
 To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
 For when we come home, either standing or dead,
 To know you remember we fought and we bled.
 Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
 That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

I have a lot of thanking I want to do: thank you to the many front-line workers-- the nurses, doctors, all hospital staff, healthcare workers, police, RCMP, paramedics, teachers, TA's, daycare staff, grocery clerks--all those people who still face the public daily and to help make our lives not just tolerable but almost normal. Even though most of you will be on duty throughout the holiday season, I hope the love from your family can sustain you in the work you do. Your presence and sacrifice is definitely noticed, so thank you!

And to you readers of "Notes" have a great holiday season and remember to stay safe.

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