Notes #52

The Interview That Never Was!

Recently I was asked to do an interview for an article. I thought the person asking stated that the article was about depression and anxiety. But when the actual interviewer sent a list of questions, I found that they were mostly focused on men and their mental health.

I'm not sure why I was uncomfortable with the change of direction that the interviewer's questions were asking, but when I spoke to them in person, I declined the interview. It was not the act of saying no, or a fear I didn't have the ability that ended up bothering me. It was the reason I gave for saying no that got me thinking overtime.

I'm a little embarrassed to say that I used the "age card" to get out of the interview. I said I was, perhaps, "Too old to really represent today's attitudes about men." I think I even believed that at the time-- that my age might have put me out of touch with how things really are for men in 2021. "Perhaps a younger man might better represent a true picture of men and their mental health needs in society today." That got me "off the hook", the interviewer stated in a later email.

When I think about it now, I see the category of "men" broken into several sub-groups- boys, young men, middle-aged men, and older men. (My granddaughter puts it much nicer; she says I am vintage, not old). I now understand that vintage men have the benefit of wisdom; of having lived longer, having seen more, having experienced more life scenarios, and hence their age is a benefit not a liability - providing of course they still have all their faculties (mm-mm! On self reflection ...)

I guess I don't really like to be "let off the hook"- hence, I interviewed myself and here is my article. I use a few of the previous interviewer's questions as a basis for my offering and I believe I learned something about myself in the process.

I know that I no longer believe there is a large difference between men and women. Several decades ago I read a book entitled, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray that cemented my belief that men and women were fundamentally different. That is no longer the belief I hold.

Now as I think about the differences between the sexes, I see the impact of social control as having a bigger influence on women than on men. Women had way more "Shoulds" on them than their male counterparts. I'll give it a number and say starting 100 years ago things began to change for women and as the years rolled along, the "Shoulds" got fewer, society's control over their minds and bodies lessoned and we began to see the gap between the sexes get smaller and smaller. I think that women have always liked to: play sports, swear, become pilots, and have sexual desires but were told those weren't "ladylike" qualities and so kept their real feelings hidden. Men have kept their feelings hidden as well, but for different reasons.

I believe men and women are much more alike than different. Any differences that exist are due more to individual differences between persons than significant differences between the sexes. It's a fact, men are different from/same as other men, women are different from/same as other women, and so of course some men are different than some women. And yes I know that men have bigger muscles than most women. I also know that some women have bigger muscles than most men.

To continue this discussion I guess I also have to say I don't believe there are fundamental differences in the mental health of men and women. I believe both sexes suffer from mental health issues. I realize that depression and anxiety are seen more as women's issues. Statistically women seek help four times more often than men. I believe that women do find it easier to express their feelings to a stranger than men do. I don't think men see talking about their problems as a way of "solving" anything, and men do seem to need to "solve" their issues/problems/feelings. Solving problems is what men have done since birth. They are action oriented. They need to do something about the problem/feeling, so they play vigorous sports, hit the gym daily, drink too much or just bottle up their feelings/problems. In my experience, men often do not seek help until given an ultimatum by their partner- get help or get out!

The differences between men and women are not in having different feelings/problems/issues, but in how society has taught them to handle them.

So, men/women/people, what should you do to take better care of yourselves and hopefully your mental health? Well of course there are the basic things: eat properly, sleep long and soundly, exercise daily, laugh lots, have a more playful life, drink moderately, learn how to truly listen to your partner and watch your tone (it's called communication), learn patience, be respectful to those you love, find what you truly like to do that is uniquely yours and do it often, be a good friend especially to yourself, learn to be assertive, and call your mother more often (but only if she deserves it).

We know that women access mental health services more than men (4 to 1) for a variety of reasons, but then how do we get men to choose to get the help they need? What do men have to do to overcome the belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness (the biggest issue that keeps men from asking for help; more so even than having to "solve" everything themselves).

Here are some suggestions to help break down the barriers and allow men to choose to get help: make damn sure services are confidential, bring wellness programming into the workplace and make counselling just a small/normal part of the programming, have counsellors do presentations at the workplace- let them be seen as real and friendly, have significant people who have used the service talk about their experiences at staff meetings or produce short videos showing their support for mental health services/EAP.

For all people who are struggling and resisting getting help, let's let them know about existing services (suggestions in previous paragraph). We also have to be aware that no matter how hard we try to be helpful, You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can't win them all! Readiness and timing are everything- the person must be personally ready to ask for and to hear the help when it is given, and then to commit to making the necessary changes that will make things better in their lives.

Well, I guess I had more to say on this topic than I thought.
Allow this "vintage" aged person leave you with these final words:

First take care of yourself, then take care of others.

And this goes for both men and women.

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Reader Response

About two weeks ago the PC government announced a 15% tax refund for teachers who spend money on school supplies, etc. The max to count up was $1000 so up to $150 could be refunded to the teachers.  The premier bragged about how he used to spend his own money on school stuff which he did not specify ( donuts, erasers, gold stars???) to motivate students during his several years as a public school teacher.  The suggestion was panned by educators and the public. My piece was sarcastic.  It celebrated this move as a real boon to Manitoba's educational finance at a small and very willing sacrifice on the part of teachers.  It amounts to just $5 per day. Somehow this is supposed to help cut education costs and improve the average test scores of pupils and students.

This premier is patronizing and cynical when it comes to education and both bills (Bill 33 for universities and Bill 64 for public schools) are regressive, unfair and undemocratic. There should be a huge public outcry so that they are both shelved permanently.

I am writing a few MLAs almost daily but teachers, active and retired, and the general public should wake up to these threats to  education.  Sadly, these bills are draconian measures to remedy some actual problems in the system.   Ed