"Notes" #63

Confrontation and its Relationship to "Winning".

Arguments and fights often occur because "someone is trying to win". (Oh, have I said that before?) One or both partners are interested in having their point of view accepted as the one that is "correct". As a result, instead of listening to what is being shared, the person is rehearsing their response, which inflames what is already a problematic mode of communication. Winning becomes the goal; respecting the other person's perspective is no longer important.

There is a saying that I share at least once with every couple I work with: "In a relationship when you have a winner and a loser (as in an argument), eventually you will have two losers." Couples engage in the angry game of "whoever is loudest and endures the longest, wins". However, winner beware-at some point, the loser will get even!

Anger is not only used to win the point, but in many cases, the angry person will then blame the other person for "having to get angry in order to make them understand".

While confrontational styles, win-lose dynamics, and anger are all significant barriers to effective communication in a relationship, the situation becomes even more complex when self-esteem is thrown into the mix. I believe that people with high self-esteem are less interested in winning and more generous with praise and forgiveness. They feel confident about themselves and in who they are, even if they aren't successful at controlling the multitude of interactions with their significant other.

For someone with high self-esteem, a discussion consists of: "I have a point of view, you have a point of view; you talk, I listen; I talk, you listen; I'm okay, you're okay."

By contrast, people with low or no self-esteem either allow themselves to be manipulated into a powerless position, or can only feel okay when they win. They either say nothing or come across as aggressive. Neither way is effective.

Whoever is louder and longer or colder and more sullen, wins. Not true! Communication ceases when respect gets eroded and a defeatist "what's the sense in talking to you" attitude is developed , generally by the person who loses most often .

In a relationship, we don't want a winner
    because then there has to be a loser.
We want two people who share their *TFVBO
              and respect their differences.

*Thoughts, Feelings, Values, Beliefs, Opinions

Dan Rosin, "Communication & Relationships"

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People don't resist change, they resist being changed!

If enough of us shied away from conflict and confrontation, just imagine how much more war we could eliminate.

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(While we are on the subject of confrontation)

TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Fred,
This is BOB next door.  I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing.

The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around.  In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. 
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me.  It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.

Regards, Bob.

THE RESPONSE:
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. Good bye Bob.
He returned home where he poured himself a satisfying tall stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a second message from his neighbour: 
       
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
Hi Fred,
This is Bob next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife.'  Technology, right?
 
Regards, Bob.

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Did you ever notice how difficult it is to argue with someone who's not obsessed with being right?

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**FOR COUNSELLORS AND THERAPISTS ONLY**

Confrontation

In therapy, the purpose in teaching effective confrontation is to help partners to see and acknowledge what they do when they are at their worst without arousing defensiveness or denial.

Often there is a huge disconnection between what partners say they want their relationship to be and how they act. The therapist must hold them to their stated standards using positive confrontation. Couples often do not even talk about tough issues, never mind confront their partner. These avoidance couples have no idea, in the long run, how that behaviour is actually hurting both of them.

What problems require confrontation- gambling, lies and deception, drug and alcohol overuse, abuse, sex outside the relationship, refusal to take care of self, passive aggressive behaviour, violence and violent threats, memory lapse and dementia, financial management.

Clients need to be taught when and when not to confront:
--Don't confront when angry or frustrated;
--Make your point without coming from a critical parent or an angry child position.
The purpose in confronting is to enable the person to look at the consequences of their own behaviour rather than being defensive.

Questions both therapists and clients need to ask themselves: Are you too tough? Are you too gentle? Do you avoid confrontation because of the tension it would create? Do you confront harshly when you're angry or exasperated? Do you judge when to pull back and when to give the client/partner space? Do you ask for feedback? Do you back off when there is too much resistance?

Remember some clients/partners are unmotivated to change because they are so full of resentment that it is hard for them to envision that things could be different and change could happen. So don't suggest that the change is a goal or even a possibility as this could trigger more resistance and defensiveness.

Highly distressed couples focus on being right as opposed to getting it right. Being right is ego driven. It means these partners are furious instead of curious. Being right means that they can justify almost any action they take no matter how ineffective it is.

Highly distressed partners need to become stronger individuals before they can become stronger partners and create a stronger marriage.

These highly reactive/unmotivated couples co-create their distress. They will need to collaborate as a team to develop motivation, evolve, and grow.

Nothing changes unless the individuals change. However, it is rare to find two highly motivated partners enthusiastic about making changes at the same time.

Ok, so let's get to work! Let's stop stewing about things and start talking about the things that are really bothering you, the things that stop you from liking your partner. (I know there is love, but we have to have like as well if the relationship is going to survive the highs and lows of life.)   Ellyn Bader